1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:03,400 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,120 Hi, I'm Will, and as a special treat 3 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,040 I now get to finish my A-Levels at a State comprehensive. 4 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:30,360 Posh twat. 5 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,760 Everyone's made me feel very welcome. 6 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,200 Briefcase wanker. 7 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,840 -I have made some friends. -Oh, friend! 8 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,720 Unfortunately, they're bigger losers than me. 9 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:40,880 [gags] 10 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,440 Which means, while other people get to play pool and hang out, 11 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,960 I spend my free periods tied to a chair 12 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:48,880 with a rubbish bin on my head. 13 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:51,840 What happened to you? 14 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,840 -I tripped. -Really? 15 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,320 No, not really, Neil. Donovan's tied me to a chair. 16 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,840 He says no-one's allowed to touch me. The prick. 17 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,320 Just so you know, he's stood ten foot away. 18 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,520 Shit. He didn't hear that, did he? 19 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,400 Yep, he's heard that. 20 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,600 -Come on, we'll get you out. -Uh, better not, Neil. 21 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,920 Sorry, we're not allowed to untie you. 22 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,040 Fair enough. 23 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:14,920 So what are we up to this weekend? 24 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,280 We could go to Bluewater. 25 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,480 A shopping center? Great. You know how much I love chavs. 26 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,480 Bluewater's not chavvy. It's quality. 27 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:22,360 I go there all the time. 28 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:23,880 -I rest my case. -To be fair, 29 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,120 they've now got a Nando's. 30 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,920 -The hallmark of quality! -I actually like Nando's. 31 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,640 Well, whatever you sad acts get up to this weekend, 32 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:31,720 I won't be there. 33 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:33,920 Oh, no! Who will supply the witticisms? 34 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,560 I'll be up to my nuts in some guts, 35 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,720 shagging those sisters from Caravan Club. 36 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,440 Camber Sands meeting this weekend, 37 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,800 which is always like a massive orgy. 38 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,960 Except it's not, though, is it? It's holidays for old people. 39 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,160 I'm sorry, did someone say something? 40 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,880 Was Bin Boy giving it the big 'un? 41 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960 It's funny how you never get any girls around here, 42 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,280 yet away on Caravan Club 43 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,520 you're like some sort of gypsy Russell Brand. 44 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,360 I wouldn't shag any of the skanky girls around here, mate. 45 00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,400 -Except for your mum. -Get in the queue! 46 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,000 -Brilliant. -If you don't believe me, 47 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,560 you should come to Camber Sands. Even Bin Boy might get some sex! 48 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,720 All right. I'm definitely up for that. 49 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,160 Yeah, love to. 50 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:11,240 You don't have to. 51 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,160 No, if I have to sleep in a caravan to prove you're lying, 52 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,880 then I'm willing to make that sacrifice. 53 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,040 Fine. Good. 54 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,440 Come down. Then we'll see who's lying. 55 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,240 Yes, you. You're lying. 56 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,200 [bell rings] 57 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,160 -Mark, can we untie him now? -No. 58 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,120 Sorry, mate. See you at lunch. 59 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,760 -See you then. -Oh, shit, it's Gilbert. 60 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,240 Good, now Donovan's in trouble. 61 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:38,200 -Don't grass. -Cooper, Sutherland, Cartwright, 62 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,600 -and who have we under here? -McKenzie, sir. 63 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,400 Let me guess, no one saw how this happened. 64 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:45,760 I suppose you tripped. 65 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,920 -No, sir, what happened was-- -You're about to grass, are you? 66 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,000 Sir? 67 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:52,240 If there's one thing no one likes, it's a grass. 68 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,480 So I will ask you how this happened and you will reply, 69 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:55,360 "I tripped." 70 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,760 But, sir, if no one reported crimes, 71 00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,160 the justice system would collapse and-- 72 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,960 I'll ask you again. How did this happen? 73 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,360 -I tripped. -[tsks] Clumsy. 74 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,560 [Will] Thanks to Gilbert's disdain for informers, 75 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,640 I was left tied to the chair for the rest of the day. 76 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:13,680 Guys? 77 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,800 The one good thing is we called Jay's bluff. 78 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,360 This was the classic win-win situation. 79 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:21,960 If by some miracle, Caravan Club was full of girls, 80 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,480 then we might get laid, 81 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,760 but if it was full of weird old people and chavs, 82 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,160 which it would be, then Jay would never live it down, 83 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:29,560 so with high hopes, 84 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:33,120 we hit the open road in Simon's shitty little yellow car. 85 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,320 How fast can this thing go, then, do you reckon? 86 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:37,800 It's the special edition, 87 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,840 so I reckon it could probably top a ton. 88 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,960 -Bollocks. -Easily could. 89 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,360 It's a pretty good car. 90 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,720 I thought your dad had forbidden you from going over 50. 91 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,280 He's not here, is he? 92 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,600 -And it couldn't do it anyway. -Right, we'll see. 93 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,280 80's pretty good. We could leave it there. 94 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,920 -Go on, Si! -Oh, my God, we're going to die! 95 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,280 Simon, if you survive and I don't, 96 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,640 give this message to my mum. 97 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,360 "Simon killed me." 98 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:10,040 -My arms are hurting a bit now. -98. 99 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,160 99. 100 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,240 -100 miles an hour! -[laughing] 101 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,520 -Thank Christ. -[Simon] Told you. 102 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,120 Yeah, not too bad. 103 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:22,640 [mobile phone plays tune] 104 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,680 Can you get that? 105 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,920 It's from Jay. No idea what it says, 106 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,400 but I'm pretty sure it's not English. 107 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,280 There's an I, then an H, then a V. 108 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:36,840 Oh, give it here. 109 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,080 He says he wants us to pick him up 110 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,000 at the garage just outside Camber Sands 111 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,360 and he'll show us how to get to the caravan park. 112 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,160 Thank you, Dr Doolittle. 113 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:47,280 What? 114 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:52,200 -'Cause he talks to the animals. -I'm not following you. 115 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,040 [mobile phone plays tune] 116 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,480 Oh, and he's also buying a jumbo pack of ribbed johnnies. 117 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,040 Does anyone else need some? 118 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:04,560 [Will] Despite Simon's best efforts, 119 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,400 we made it to Camber Sands alive. 120 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,400 We'd arranged to meet Jay at the service station, 121 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,320 and though Simon could just about drive a car, 122 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,040 getting petrol into it still remained a mystery. 123 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:14,960 [grunts in frustration] 124 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,320 Christ, I forgot about this shit heap. 125 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,560 I don't think even I could help you get laid in that. 126 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,360 Have you ever used one of these before? 127 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,960 It's broken. This should reach. 128 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,480 -You sure you passed your test? -Yes. 129 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,680 How many times did you have to suck off the instructor? 130 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,160 -You want to park it closer. -Thanks, Neil. 131 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,480 Pump number six, please park closer. 132 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:39,400 Told you. 133 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:40,760 This is embarrassing. 134 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,040 I'm going to go check out the clunge mags. 135 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:43,760 Wait for me. 136 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,280 [attendant] Pump number six, do you need assistance? 137 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,600 I think I might go and stretch my legs a bit, too. 138 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:55,960 [snickering] 139 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,200 -What's so funny, then? -It's your mum in this mag. 140 00:05:58,280 --> 00:05:59,800 Yes, very droll, well done. 141 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,360 No, look, it really looks like your mum's face. 142 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,000 [chuckles nervously] Yes. 143 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,040 Um... No! 144 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,800 Oh, that is definitely your mum's snatch. 145 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,200 I just got a text from this girl at the Caravan Club. 146 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:13,760 -Oh, yeah, is it Becky? -Yeah. 147 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,400 I texted your photo. What's she say? 148 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,120 "Hi, Simon, my name's Becky. Liked your photo." 149 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,560 Jay says you've got a cool car as well. 150 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,080 See you later." Smiley face. 151 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:24,000 She's seen a picture of you. Let's get back one of her. 152 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:25,080 With her tits out. 153 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,120 -Might be a bit soon for that. -She is filthy. 154 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,560 -Still a bit early, I reckon. -What shall I write? 155 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,600 "Spread them. I'll be there in half an hour." 156 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,960 Or, "So lovely to hear from you, 157 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,720 it would be a pleasure to meet up." 158 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,400 -"PS, I'm a poofter." -Don't put the PS. 159 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,240 I've put, "Can't wait to meet up. 160 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:43,360 How will I know what you look like?" 161 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,200 -Smiley face at the end? -With a wink. It's cheeky. 162 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,480 No, the winky face is the mark of a moron. 163 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:49,960 I've sent it. 164 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,160 -[mobile phone plays a tune] -Is that Leona Lewis? 165 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,200 It's a picture of her with her sister Suzanne. 166 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,760 -Are they kissing? -Let me see. 167 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,640 -Oh, please be lesbo. -Oh. Fit enough. 168 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,760 I told you there was fit birds, 169 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,680 and there's plenty more where they came from. 170 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,720 I think I'm actually going to get laid. 171 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,640 Oh, my God, sisters! That's so horny! 172 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:21,520 First rule of Caravan Club is that everyone gets some. 173 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,080 Second rule is, don't tell anyone about the first rule, 174 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,120 as it's a massive lie. 175 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,440 -We'll see about that, won't we? -Yes, we will. 176 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,520 Pump number six, please, and these. 177 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:32,720 And them. 178 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:36,920 Do you want a bag for these? 179 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,200 [Will] Okay, admittedly Jay knew some girls, 180 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:47,960 but driving into the caravan park, 181 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,400 it didn't look like the kind of place 182 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:50,480 you'd have an orgy. 183 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,240 It looked like a field with some old tents in it. 184 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:58,800 -Welcome to my world. -Where are all these women? 185 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,880 -There's loads. Look around you. -Where? 186 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,880 Everywhere. What about her? 187 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,480 [Simon] She's about 12, Jay. 188 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,160 She's older than that. Believe me. 189 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,760 Christ! What sort of camp have we come to? 190 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,520 -Here they come. Becky, Suzanne. -Hi, Jay. 191 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,000 This is Simon I was telling you about. 192 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:16,880 Hello. 193 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:20,200 Hello. Thanks for your text. Nice car. 194 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,240 Thanks. It's not actually from Hawaii, 195 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,120 it just says it on the back. 196 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,120 I like it. Are you guys coming to the party later? 197 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,400 -Yeah, definitely. -Great, I'll see you later. 198 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,560 That one has fucked everyone. 199 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,440 I've slung one up her a few times myself. 200 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,920 And who exactly is everyone, Jay? 201 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,640 That old man over there? Has he had a go on her? 202 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,160 I promise you that when you go back from this place 203 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,280 you beg your parents to buy a caravan. 204 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,280 I'm not sure Neil's dad could afford a caravan. 205 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,480 If he thought of it as a mobile closet, he'd find the money. 206 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:53,120 -My dad's not bent. -We only have your word. 207 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,120 -My dad's not bent. -You would say that, though. 208 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,640 -Jay. Dinner's ready. -All right then, dickheads, 209 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:00,800 Mum's made you tea, 210 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:02,520 so park up and I'll meet you in the caravan. 211 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,200 Tea in a caravan. I've finally hit rock bottom. 212 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,240 There you go, boys. 213 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:15,600 Some lovely salad to go with your sausages. 214 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,760 -Thanks, Mrs. Cartwright. -It's my pleasure. 215 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,440 [farting sounds emanating from the toilet] 216 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,320 [farting sounds continue] 217 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:24,720 [poo splashes] 218 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,160 This is really delicious, Mrs. Cartwright. 219 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,440 [toilet sounds continue] 220 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,720 Cool, crisps. Have you got any ketchup? 221 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:43,600 [toilet splashes] 222 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,120 -Jesus Christ. -My eyes are burning. 223 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,800 All right, boys? Are you coming to the dance tonight, then? 224 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,520 Yes, Mr. Cartwright. 225 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,080 I've lined Simon up with a girl, Dad. 226 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,040 Finally someone's going to take advantage 227 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,240 of all the birds down here! 228 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,080 Jay's about as much use as a nun's tits. 229 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,720 Leave him alone, Terry, you're embarrassing him. 230 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,520 Delicious crisps, Mrs. Cartwright. 231 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:10,520 Thanks, Will. 232 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,040 Yeah, she opened the packet herself! 233 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:15,240 [laughs] Don't you boys just love it out here? 234 00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,880 Sense of freedom you don't get with other holidays. 235 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,080 Right, we'd best be getting ready, Dad. Maybe see you later. 236 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,440 Yeah, I'll be there. 237 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,920 Fighting the girls off with a shitty stick! [laughs] 238 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,440 I don't think he'll need that stick. 239 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:28,760 [Will] Looking back, I should have realized 240 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,520 that Mr. Cartwright's explosive bowels 241 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,120 were a sign of things to come. 242 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,120 So the big night was finally here. 243 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,040 The Caravan Club disco and all its delights 244 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:37,920 of the flesh 245 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,680 lay just inside a giant garden shed. 246 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,720 As predicted, this is shit. 247 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,640 I drove all the way here for this? 248 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,800 It's just getting started. Give it a minute. 249 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:01,760 Aw! Tune! 250 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,200 [dance music playing] 251 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,800 He's actually quite good. 252 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:16,440 I'm going to get some hummus. 253 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,240 Your ride for the evening is here. 254 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:23,800 Do you really think she'll shag me? 255 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,040 Why do you think they come here? 256 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:26,920 Fresh air? 257 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,480 That text was her way of telling you it is on. 258 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,360 Shit, amazing. I feel a bit weird, though, 259 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,560 because I always thought I'd lose it with Carli. 260 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,000 Listen to me, that bird Becky's an animal. 261 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,360 She'll fuck you till you're blind and teach you all sorts. 262 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,920 When Carli finds out, she's going to be two things: 263 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,400 jealous and wet, because now she'll know you're a stud. 264 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,440 -You really think so? -'Course. 265 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,440 Carli doesn't really fancy you, 266 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:50,840 so if you're waiting to lose it with her, 267 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,320 you'll be waiting until you're dead. 268 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:53,920 I think she likes me a bit. 269 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,000 No, she doesn't. She thinks you're a twat. 270 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,280 Becky likes you, 271 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,040 and she likes sex. It's the perfect combination. 272 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,280 Just don't go for anal straightaway. 273 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,400 Okay. Thanks, man. 274 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,920 No problem. Look, here they come. Don't worry, 275 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,800 I'll distract Fatty Boom Boom with the buffet. 276 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,160 [Will] So, amazingly, 277 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,160 it looked like Simon might actually pull. 278 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:17,960 If he could bring himself to speak to her. 279 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,720 As for the rest of us, I wasn't holding my breath. 280 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,040 I'd imagine it's a sense of freedom 281 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,400 you don't get with other holidays. 282 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,800 -Can I get you some more hummus? -Delicious, thank you. 283 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,400 Why are you talking to the pensioners? 284 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,680 Oh, just taking the piss. 285 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,760 -What, by eating hummus? -Yeah. 286 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,320 Would you rather eat hummus or take me somewhere quiet? 287 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,240 I think I'd rather take you somewhere quiet. 288 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,400 Come over here then. 289 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,240 Sorry, I didn't catch your name. 290 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,200 I'm Will and I like hummus. There, I've said it. 291 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:53,480 Will, two things. For the next few hours, 292 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,480 I don't need you to be charming or sophisticated 293 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,120 or even interesting. 294 00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:58,200 Just be willing. 295 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,360 -Can you handle that? -I think so. 296 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,880 Good. And second, kiss me. 297 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,400 Right, okay. 298 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,840 -What are you doing? -I just need a moment. 299 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,280 I'm going to take you outside and I want you to fuck me. 300 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,440 -Really? -Yes, really. 301 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,600 Hang on, we barely know each other. 302 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,760 We should get to know each other first, shouldn't we? 303 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,720 I mean, come on, we're young, 304 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,120 let's have some fun 305 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,600 and then fall exhausted into each other's arms. 306 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:30,640 I've got an idea. Did you ever used to skid as a child? 307 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:35,440 I used to love it. Come on! Let's skid! 308 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,840 Whoo! 309 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:42,960 Get your shoes off! It's liberating! 310 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,960 Where are you going? 311 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,640 -Don't you want to skid? -No. 312 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,880 What about our lovemaking? 313 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,400 Lovemaking? Gone off it, sorry. 314 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:56,440 Oh. 315 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:02,280 Oi! My shoes! Give me back my shoes! 316 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,200 [children giggling] 317 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,440 [Will] Somehow, in three minutes 318 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,160 I'd gone from guaranteed sex 319 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,360 to being bullied by eight-year-olds, 320 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,920 and I'm still not entirely sure how that happened. 321 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,680 All right, Dad? Thought you was coming to the party? 322 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,360 -Yeah, I was. -I popped my head in the door 323 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:23,960 and saw you chatting up some fat bird, 324 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:25,480 so I didn't want to cramp your style. 325 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,960 I was keeping her busy while Simon was talking to her mate. 326 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,400 Don't be embarrassed, son. 327 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,200 If I was as bad with the ladies as you, 328 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,080 I'd have moved on to the fatties months ago. 329 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,240 Hello, Mr. Cartwright. Jay. 330 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,240 All right, Will? You got any action? 331 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,360 Yeah, I pulled a girl, actually. 332 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,080 Fuck off. No way. 333 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,880 Where is she now, then? Cleaning up her beaver for you? 334 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,680 Uh, no. She went off. 335 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,960 Plenty more fish in the sea. Jay's harpooned himself a whale. 336 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,920 Give it a rest, Dad. I already told you, it's not like that. 337 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,080 Yeah, and I told you not to be so fussy and to get stuck in. 338 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,480 You're more likely to get somewhere with a fatso, 339 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:01,280 because they're grateful for the attention. 340 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,960 -Even from a loser like you. -Dad. 341 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,520 They say any port in a storm, 342 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,840 and she was the size of a fucking port! 343 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,560 I know what you're up to. 344 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,240 You think, because she's so massive, 345 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,800 she'll count as two shags. 346 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:14,680 Well, she doesn't! [chuckles] 347 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,440 -I get plenty of girls. -No, you bloody don't. 348 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,160 And even if you did, what could you do with that thing? 349 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,160 -It's like a McDonald's chip! -Dad. 350 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,760 You take after your mum in the cock-size department. 351 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:27,000 She ain't got one either! 352 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,280 Can you just leave me alone for once? 353 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,080 Ohh! 354 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,960 All right, all right. Bloody hell, he's just like his mum. 355 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,080 Make one little joke and he has a shit fit! 356 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,160 Fuck this. 357 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,000 Are these the only toilets, then? 358 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,320 Oh, God. 359 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,240 I'd give trap number two a couple of minutes. 360 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,480 I had eggs for lunch. 361 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,600 -Shall we go outside, then? -Yeah, all right. 362 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,680 Fucking hell! Is this really happening? 363 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,200 I'm going to have sex, aren't I? 364 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,960 At last. Thanks for sorting this, Jay. 365 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:41,800 Fill this up for me. 366 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,160 Thanks so much, mate. Nice one. 367 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,440 Gotcha! [laughs obnoxiously] 368 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,360 Mr. Cartwright, you seem to be splashing me a bit. 369 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,160 -Who stole your shoes? -Just some kids. 370 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,520 Kids? You let them get away with that? 371 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,000 Laughing at you while you're standing in your piss? 372 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:15,000 I think it's mostly your piss. 373 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,200 Go and get them. Show them who's boss. 374 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,000 Yeah, okay, I will. 375 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:21,800 [Terry farts] 376 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:24,520 Better out than in. 377 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,280 I'm going to go now, then. 378 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,120 [continues farting] 379 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,600 [music playing] 380 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,840 I'm curious, are you subversively mocking this place 381 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,600 or are you actually enjoying this hell? 382 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:56,120 I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about. 383 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,080 I've ripped my top! 384 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,200 Oh, God, sorry, you just turn me on so much. 385 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,920 My parents will see this. 386 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:16,680 What the hell are you doing? 387 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,560 It's a condom. I thought we should be safe. 388 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,400 Why have you got a condom on? 389 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,240 I'm not going to have sex with you! 390 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,400 -You're not? But Jay said-- -Jay said what? 391 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,280 -He said... -What? What did Jay say? 392 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,480 How's it feel to be a man, then? 393 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:43,360 You fucking liar. Shagged her and her sister, have you? 394 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,360 -Loads of times, yeah? -Untold. 395 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,480 Really? She didn't seem that keen, 396 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,120 and her sister's 13 years old. 397 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,760 Well, I haven't actually shagged her and her sister exactly, 398 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,800 but other similar girls. 399 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,160 Thanks for the condom. I'll be lucky if I'm not on some 400 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,400 sort of pedophile register by the end of the night. 401 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,600 Fuck, she's talking to her parents. We'd better go. 402 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,400 -Where's Neil? -Don't know and don't care. 403 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,080 Let's get out of here. Will, we're off. 404 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,560 Will, come on. 405 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,280 Prick. 406 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:18,840 [Will] And just when I thought things 407 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,160 couldn't get any worse, 408 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,320 I then had to spend a night in a caravan 409 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,960 with Jay's dad and his irritable bowel. 410 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,200 Thanks for your hospitality, Mrs. Cartwright. 411 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,440 See you soon, Mr. Cartwright. 412 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,080 Cheers, lads. And Simon, don't worry about that Becky business. 413 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,120 Her dad's calmed down now. We were all your age once. 414 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,200 At least you had a pop, unlike soppy bollocks here. 415 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:41,560 Um, thanks. 416 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:42,680 Don't mention it. 417 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,400 Just try not to rape anyone on the way out! 418 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,080 I don't see why I should ever talk to you again, 419 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,600 let alone give you a lift home. 420 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,720 You're just angry because you didn't get laid. 421 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:53,760 Yeah, that's it. 422 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:54,880 Let's just get out of this dump. 423 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,120 Please, God, don't let me ever 424 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,560 have to come back to a caravan park. 425 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,480 -All right? -Where have you been? 426 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,880 I slept in the car. Shall we go then? 427 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:03,960 Shotgun. 428 00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:13,280 -My seat's a bit wet. -Mine is, too. 429 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,000 Yeah, it's wet here as well. 430 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,200 Neil, did you wet yourself in my new car? 431 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:20,160 -It's not really new. -Did you wet yourself? 432 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,520 No. But I did have a bird back in here. 433 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,920 -You fucked a girl in my car? -No, it's too small. 434 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,280 Did a lot of fingering, though. She wanked me off a few times. 435 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,880 [all exclaim in disgust] 436 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,480 -God! -Get me out of here! 437 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:38,960 Neil! 438 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,680 -Bloody hell! -Disgusting. 439 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:46,240 -[Simon] Thanks, Neil! -Who was she, then? 440 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,960 Some sort of punky redhead. She was nice. 441 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,720 She was mine! Oh, God. 442 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,920 We can't stay here. 443 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,240 I'm not getting in the spunkmobile. 444 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,320 -Clean it up, Neil. -Why? 445 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,640 Because you have spunked on my seats! 446 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,560 Oh, God, this weekend has been a disaster. 447 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:06,760 One good thing is we've learned the Caravan Club is shit 448 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,360 and that Jay is a liar. 449 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,720 I'm such a liar? That Neil got some? 450 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,360 -No... -Neil got some. 451 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:14,320 -You lied. -Clean it up, Neil. 452 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,000 -It's your car. -It's your spunk! 453 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:18,520 Some of it could be her juice. 454 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,400 -Did Neil get any? -That's not the point. 455 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,640 -Yes or no, did Neil get some? -You lie. 456 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,200 And I want petrol money. 457 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,560 -For what? -For petrol! Money for petrol. 458 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,040 [Will] I'm not sure what we learned 459 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,600 from this sorry episode, 460 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,600 apart from never take advice from Jay... 461 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,560 -But Jay said-- -Jay said what? 462 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,080 ...when you are offered sex, don't skid... 463 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,200 Whoo! 464 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,960 ...and never, never follow Mr. Cartwright into the toilet. 465 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,640 My eyes are burning! 466 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,200 But as we stood arguing on the side of the A2, 467 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:48,720 one thing was for sure. 468 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,520 Neil can produce an unholy amount of spunk. 469 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,080 And I want this cleaned now. 470 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,800 No, it's in your car, so it's yours. 471 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,600 So if I spunk on you, that's yours, is it? 472 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,040 -No. -You are fucking disgusting.